


Cooperation doesn't mean I like you

by flightinflame



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Dirk Gently Needs a Hug, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Osmund Priest is a creep, Project Blackwing (Dirk Gently), Shapeshifting, Team Up, Todd Brotzman is a Good Boyfriend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-06-14 17:44:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15394056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flightinflame/pseuds/flightinflame
Summary: Todd's very good day is interrupted by a Blackwing agent turning up in the middle of the agency with a case for them, and with a gun to Dirk's head.





	Cooperation doesn't mean I like you

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Lourdes for betaing. This was created based on a prompt-line on Tumblr.

"And so anyway, once you knew that it was by a river, it really wasn't that much of a challenge. Because a lot of things float - not just paper and leaves, but also things like corpses-" Dirk explained, gesticulating wildly with his pink milkshake and almost splashing himself. Todd snorted, walking beside him towards the agency, and trying not to glance over too often. He wasn't flirting. He was just supervising his boyfriend. Farah rolled her eyes.  
"We need to improve your taste in movies, Dirk." She paused, her hands patting down her pockets. "I need to just get something from the car."  
"We'll put the kettle on," Dirk offered, waving as he headed towards the building. Todd hesitated for a moment, looking between the two of them. Farah shrugged and smiled.  
"Go and make sure that he doesn't sneak sugar into my drink this time okay?" 

Todd headed in, reaching the office a few moments after Dirk. As he was pushing open the door he felt something scurry up his leg, and watched as Mona turned herself into a watch and wrapped around his wrist.  
"Hey there, Mona," he greeted her, only to feel her tightening her hold. She was quivering against him slightly. He frowned.  
"What's got into you, girl?"

There was no response.

He walked into the office to find Dirk sitting rigidly on his desk, his milkshake pilled across the floor. A familiar man beside him, his gun pointing straight at Dirk's head. The man was smirking, his face split by a scar that hadn’t been present last time they met. Todd was jealous of whoever had got to hurt him. Dirk's eyes were wide, and Todd saw now why Mona had fled her usual position in Dirk's pocket - she was as scared of Priest as Dirk was.  
"What are you doing here?" Todd asked, and Priest shrugged a little, then smirked.  
"Hello Miss Black. I'd put that down if I were you. You might have a lot of training but I can blow Svlad's brains out faster than you can shoot me."

Todd heard the sound of something metal being placed on the floor, glanced to the side to see that Farah was standing with her hands raised, a gun at her feet. Reluctantly, he copied her.  
"You got yourself some real smart friends Svlad," the man murmured, brushing his fingers through Dirk's hair. Dirk's entire body seemed to have locked up with terror: he wasn't moving and it looked like he was on the verge of a panic attack. Todd had seen Amanda have enough of those to know the signs. 

"Why are you here?" Farah asked, moving forwards into the room. Todd knew she would still be armed, she wasn't a total idiot. It looked like she was trying to signal to Dirk with her eyes, but Dirk was too out of it to see what was happening.  
"Just want to ask Svlad here what he knows about Bart's powers."

"Why... why would I tell you?" Dirk whispered, his voice shaking a little.  
"Because you don't want to disappoint me?" Priest suggested. "And because I came in and didn't even break your door, and asked nice."

"If she's escaped, I'm not getting her back for you," Dirk whispered, and he was crying now, the tears spilling down his face. Priest snorted.  
"Look, if I let you go and hug your boyfriend will you answer my question?"  
"What if you leave…? I could go with you-"  
"No Dirk," Farah insisted. Priest put his gun back into the holster, patting Dirk once more and then letting him go. When Dirk made no attempt to move, he shoved him, and Dirk stumbled across to Todd. Todd wrapped his arms around him, looking at Priest in fear. Holding Dirk now, he could feel how fiercely he was trembling.  
"I won't ask again," Priest said, his voice cold. There was a gasp and then Dirk spoke, his gaze directed to the floor.  
"The universe tells her who to kill, and gets her to where she needs to be to kill them. She's a holistic assassin. Why she hasn't killed you yet-"  
"What else?" Priest asked, and his expression was more amused than annoyed by the situation.  
"She's invulnerable. Unlike me, as you… as you liked proving. She can't be hurt."  
"If?" Priest prompted, and Dirk's eyes widened, his hands clinging to Todd's, shoulders shaking. Farah was watching, standing still with her arms behind her, but Todd knew she was holding a small knife concealed against her palm.  
"If she does the universe's bidding."

"Project Marzanna has been being a very naughty girl, Dirk. She has not been listening to the Universe, it gave her clear instructions and she ignored them."

Dirk lifted his gaze from the floor for a moment.  
"And on the last mission, we lost her. We can't track her down, but I'm willing to bet you can, Svlad. Unless you want her tortured? Make up for all the times she passed her tests and you failed yours."  
Todd wanted to argue, but was stopped by the look on Dirk's face. This was a man who was utterly terrified, and still going to go through with what he felt was right. Todd knew he wouldn't be able to stop him, only to keep him safe.  
"I'll go with you." Dirk whispered, his voice barely audible.  
"Thought you might. Knew you were always going to come back to Blackwing. It's the one place that understands you. The one place you are not a danger to the rest of the world, poor dangerous Svlad Cjelli."

"I'm not-" Dirk's protest was little more than a whisper.  
"That's not his name," Todd mumbled. "And we're going with him."  
"Why would I want the two of you there, when me an' Svlad could have a road trip just like old times."  
Todd glared, but it was Farah who answered.  
"Because he's no use to you if he's having a panic attack."  
Priest seemed to be considering that answer, frowning a little as he glanced towards Farah. Dirk's breath was still coming too fast, and his arms were around Todd as though Todd was the one piece of stability he had. Todd could feel Mona shaking still.  
"Are you sure about this?" he tried to whisper to Dirk without Priest overhearing. Hesitantly, Dirk nodded, forcing himself to smile.  
"I can't just leave her, Todd."  
"She tried to kill you. More than once."  
"She's... I can't Todd. I just can't. Please don't ask me to."

"Alright," Todd agreed. He didn't like this idea, but at the same time he knew that he had to do this. Because Dirk couldn't turn his back on Bart, and Dirk couldn't face Blackwing alone. This was the only option left, and just because he hated it with every fibre of his being didn't mean he could ignore it or pretend that it wasn't an issue.  
"You boys finished with yer little moment?" Priest asked, and Dirk nodded.  
"Yes, thank you Mister Priest." 

"Good, now, Svlad, I've got a map for you. You tell me where to go, and you can ride shotgun, let me know if you get any of your little hunches-"  
"I ..." Dirk tensed against him, and Todd could feel the way he was struggling to breathe.  
"He could go in the back with me," Todd said quickly, squeezing Dirk's hand. "That way I can help him stay calm, and Farah can-"  
"Miss Black can what? Make sure I don't make little Svladdy cry? Because I can do that easy enough, but like I said, I didn't come there today for that. And tell Project Lamia to stop hiding on you, I can see her."

The bracelet around his wrist slipped to the floor, and Todd lost sight of her as she became a bug, scurrying to a better hiding place.  
"Leave her alone," Farah muttered. "She's got nothing to do with this."  
"She seems to be in quite a cooperative mood today, after her last stint in Blackwing."

Dirk let out a sudden burst of laughter, as a pair of nail clippers appeared in the centre of the floor. Priest snorted slightly.  
"Seriously Lamia? You think turning into something I can use is a good idea?"

The nail clippers quickly became a lady bug which fluttered over to the window, and Todd lost track of where she had gotten to.

"Svlad, I can talk to you better about locations if you come over here."  
"I'm..." Dirk hesitated, his hand clutching Todd's so tightly that Todd could see the tips of them growing pale from lack of blood. "My name isn't..."  
"Dirk Gently then. Or Icarus. Whatever name it is you use to try and hide from what you've done, I want you to come over here and help me with this map right now."

Dirk started to step forwards, stopping after a moment and glancing down, seeming shocked to discover that his hand was still holding onto Todd's. Todd smiled nervously, and walked over.  
"So how did you lose her? I mean, did she slip out of the van or-" Dirk asked, and Todd could see the logic there - if she'd escaped, that was a different scenario from the one Priest was painting, one that Dirk wouldn't betray. If she was actually in trouble, that was different.

"Watch your mouth," Priest snapped, then sighed, spreading the map out onto the table. Dirk leaned in, examining it closely, his fingers tracing over the roads. Todd had seen Dirk use maps for cases before, but it never stopped being impressive to see him at work, to see how his mind functioned when it was given free reign and a case to solve.

"I'd start by looking at this area," Dirk gestured. "At least it's only a two hour drive."  
Todd sighed, looking at Farah, who seemed to share his assessment that it was going to be a very long two hours crammed in a car. As Priest led the way to the vehicle he was using, Todd hung back to speak to Farah, keeping a close eye on Dirk.  
"Do you have Mona?"  
"She's here," Farah confirmed, pointing to one of the badges on her jacket. Todd breathed a sigh of relief. The last thing they needed right now was Dirk's baby sister going missing. Now he knew that, he hurried up to catch Dirk, wrapping his arms around him and nuzzling his cheek. Dirk laughed a little as he smiled at him.  
"What's so funny?" Todd murmured.  
"You're here," Dirk whispered. "I'm here, again, and you... I never thought you'd stay with me if Blackwing came."  
"Not going anywhere Dirk," Todd promised, hoping he would be able to keep that particular promise for Dirk's sake.

***

The drive was exactly as bad as Todd had imagined. Priest's music was loud and annoying, and every so often the song would change to one that would accelerate Dirk's state of panic into a full blown panic attack. Farah was visibly one bad decision away from shooting Priest in the face, and Todd was trying desperately to ensure that Dirk didn't pass out on him. Even the glimpses he caught of Mona implied she was nervous. Literally the only person happy to be there was Priest, and Todd really didn’t find his enjoyment of their situation comforting.

When they got close to the area Dirk had pointed out, Dirk took over, murmuring suggestions which Todd had to repeat at a level Priest could hear over the steady thump of the music. 

"Dirk?" Todd asked softly, mostly in order to distract him. "How was he able to see Mona?"  
"Freaks like me... like her... we sense each other," Dirk whispered back, his voice shaking. It took a second for the meaning to sink through, and when it did Todd felt furious, felt bile rising in his throat. Dirk didn't chat after that, just continued to supply directions until they reached a large farmhouse, the door to the main building hanging off its hinges.

Dirk clambered from the ground, taking deep breaths and then rushing forwards.  
"Yes, this is the place, this is-"

His cry was cut short as he plummeted down into a large hole. Todd raced after him, glancing down and seeing the very faint outline of Dirk among the shadows.  
"What happened there?" he yelled down. There was a pause, before Dirk replied.  
"I think I found a clue."

Todd snorted slightly.  
"You want us to get you a ladder?"  
"I think you better come down here Todd, it's -" Todd never heard the end of that sentence, as Priest pushed him hard in the back, causing him to plummet down into the hole. He flailed wildly, amazed when he landed on a soft beanbag.  
"What?" he murmured, looking at Dirk who was cradling his left arm against his chest. "Why is there a beanbag?"  
"Mona. She followed me down here," Dirk supplied, and the next moment Farah was down beside them. Mona reformed into a bracelet before Priest reached them, his gun drawn. Farah took a light and glanced around, seeing a maze of tunnels.  
"So which way-"  
"We could split up right?" Todd suggested. "Agency on one team, and Priest on-"  
"Fun though a hunt sounds, I came here with a task in mind." Priest shot down that particular idea, tilting his head. “I can hear talking.”

"I think we had better stick together," Dirk agreed reluctantly, his voice little more than a whisper. "You've told me the plot of enough horror movies Todd, I don't want to lose you or Farah, frankly if the universe wants to kill P-" he paused and shrugged slightly, his head hanging back down towards the ground. Todd squeezed his hand, and the two of them began off down a corridor, Priest close behind, Farah at the back.

Todd nearly ran into the back of Dirk when he stopped, one hand in the air awkwardly. He glanced and saw a shrine ahead of them, over a gigantic pit, covered in symbols. To him the symbols looked meaningless, but Dirk seemed particularly afraid when he saw them.

Looking into the space below more carefully, he could see people moving. His eyes were drawn to a figure sat in the corner, behind metal bars, her knees against her chest. "She's there."

"So we can like, sneak over and grab her?"  
"In front of a crowd of cultists. You're lucky you're pretty," Priest muttered to Todd, before turning to Dirk. "Well?"  
"Distraction maybe?"  
Priest glared at them, rubbing his forehead slightly.  
“Let’s hope y’all survive the night because with ideas like that, you ain’t surviving another hour. He paused, glancing over to Farah. "Miss Black?"  
"Observe, discover patterns and weaknesses, move from there," she reported. "Get Bart out of the cage as soon as possible, check if she's injured. If she is, keep her protected as we get out. Maybe create a distraction in the opposite tunnel, a collapse of some kind, to give us more space."

"You, I like." Priest smirked at her. "You heard the lady. Get to work."  
Farah snorted, continuing to watch Priest as Dirk kept an eye on the people in the hall. Todd watched Bart.  
"So what happens with her?" he asked. "I mean, you find her and then?"  
"Then I bring her back home to Blackwing, where she belongs."

Todd could feel Dirk tense, and began to wonder if he would be able to pull off a double rescue. It was a stupid risk to take, but the kind of risk he took for Dirk far more often than he should have. Dirk would feel better if Bart was free, so he had to find a way of doing it.  
"Whatever ya thinking of doing, Dirk," Priest spat the name, "I'd be careful. Because you might not want her at Blackwing, but we're not going to sacrifice her on an altar to a pagan god or whatever the fuck these people are up to. So she's better off with us. And you can turn me down, leave her here, but she won't be alive to thank you for it. Just another one to add to yer list of deaths."

"I... hate you," Dirk whispered, his grip tightening on Todd's hand. He leaned against him, as Farah outlined how she would create a distraction. There was a faint crash before Mona appeared in human form, hiding behind Farah.

"Mona?" Dirk asked softly, and gasped as a little girl stepped out, visibly cowering away from Mister Priest.  
"I'm sorry if I got you in trouble," she whispered, blinking back tears. Dirk was on his knees beside her in an instant, pulling her close and cuddling her gently, whispering into her ear.  
"Is there any chance she can hurry up through puberty an' actually be useful?" Priest drawled, staring at the girl with obvious disdain.

Dirk continued his whispered conversation with Mona, who transformed into her normal human form, still partly hiding behind Dirk and clutching Farah's hand.  
"We need you to get Bart out of the box okay? And then..."  
"Well, we better have a decoy, god knows you lot ain’t gonna win this fight. Lamia, look like Marzanna-" Mona shifted and Priest nodded his approval. "You get Bart out, and then you go and sit in her little cage lookin' like that until you get the signal to clear out."  
"Or you're in danger," Dirk added quickly, and Mona glanced at Priest and nodded.

"Fine. Or she's in danger," Priest conceded. "Now, me 'n' Miss Black are gonna be useful. Svl-Dirk, you and your boy, you get Marzanna back out. Saw some stairs near the way we came in. Lamia, you get Marzanna out of her box, and do your best little act, you got it?"  
"Yes Mister Priest," Dirk and Mona chorused, their gazes directed at the floor. Todd wanted nothing more than to get them both far away from this man, but it was clear that something was happening beneath them, and Bart needed saving if her powers didn't work.

"You okay with him?" Todd asked Farah, who nodded decisively.  
"We need to focus on Bart. I'll be fine." She smiled and Todd could see the anxiety underlying it, but he knew that right now, he couldn't notice it, couldn't acknowledge it, because protecting Dirk and Mona came first. He slipped away, Mona turning into a boulder which shuffled slowly around the edge of the cave with the two of them hiding behind it. He wasn't entirely sure why they weren't being noticed, but no one called out so they seemed to have gotten away with it.

"Hey?" Bart whispered. "Dirk, is that you?"  
"Hi Bart," Dirk agreed. "We have to be quiet."  
"My powers kinda aren’t... working right now," Bart admitted, glancing at the floor. "I couldn't get the door ta open."  
"It's okay," Dirk answered, as Mona quickly slipped into the lock, the tumblers turning before it unlocked.

Bart stumbled out, leaning on Todd and Dirk.  
"You guys find me on your own? Like, am I a case?"  
"You are a case," Dirk agreed. "Only I'm afraid at the moment Mister Priest is here-"  
"What's Priest doing here?" Bart hissed, her voice raising, then jumping as a loud explosion ripped through the air. Dirk was tugging them both along, and Todd tried to keep up.

"He came here to get you back to Blackwing."  
"Oh," Bart sighed. "I guess I gotta-"  
"You don't have to-" Dirk whispered, and she laughed.  
"What'ya gonna do Dirk? You gonna fight Priest? You gonna fight Blackwing?"

Dirk frowned, clambering up the stairs, Bart close beside him. He whistled, the sound echoing around the corridor, and a few moments later a bubble floated over before a squeaky toy landed in his hand.  
"I can't fight Blackwing Bart. But you can. You can stay with us."

"I ain' ready to say goodbye ta Ken yet," she mumbled. Todd thought quickly, reaching into his back pocket and pulling out a business card. Bart took it, although her jumpsuit had no pockets to conceal it. After a moment, she slipped it down the neck of the outfit to hide it from view.  
"When you are ready, that's where we are. We'll make sure we've got space for you."

She nodded, clambering out into the daylight and running to the car. Farah and Priest joined them a few moments later, out of breath. Priest nodded. "You four, if you don't wanna go back to Blackwing, out of the car now." He shoved Todd out, and Dirk and Farah followed, Mona safely in Dirk's hand. Bart stayed in the seat as he drove away.

Todd could see Bart looking out of the window towards them. Dirk squeezed his hand.  
"We've got to get home Todd. She'll come to us when she's ready."  
Todd guessed that would have to be enough.


End file.
